Sunday, October 31
all the songs are ringing in my head. well they're taking turns anyway. i am a very fair fanatic, or so i say. just can't get them out of my head. fell asleep reading lit. it's not lit's fault. i was headachy. 'wasn't it good.. wasn't he fine.. isn't it madness, he can't be mine..' but there's something to learn from every song, and this one is pretty useful: no one in your life is with you constantly, no one is completely on your side. we're all human. in the end the person who's supposed to catch you when you fall might call in sick. so try not to fall at all, and save everyone the bother of cleaning up your squished remains at the bottom of the cliff. do i sound very cold and detached? i am trying to lose myself, so that when i find myself the second time round i might be okay with me. i suppose that makes no sense at all. it makes perfect sense to me though, like how running screaming in the rain always seems a good idea at that point of time. i shall go to school tomorrow. and i shall breathe in the air of freedom in a quick gulp before papers start on tues. i know you don't think this is freedom, but i do. i am never truly bound until the day before the paper when i really start hunting out notes - does anyone happen to have her bio file around? i'll need it in week two. :P --waiting [im]patiently for eternity to end, i wonder if i'll ever see things the same way again. i realise we've [kinda] grown huh. but i still don't feel like a sec4 taking her o's in two days. i feel like an idiot little girl yawning like a puppy. but when you look into our eyes.. and compare what you see with what's in the eyes of others who haven't gone through some struggles.. yeah we've learnt something for life. and i'm not just talking about the tiredness. it's the quietly determined and steady look you get from facing the flames head-on. and of course, the glow of anticipation. yay! *flops over and dies* shall find more food.
it must've been love.
5:18 pm
xoxo
Saturday, October 30
i realise i've lost track of time. i talk about 'tomorrow's and 'yesterday's that simply existed in another time frame. wonderful. what happened months ago is clearer than yesterday. but i remember the curling iron from yesterday. hmm. my father's playing his favourite song on the piano. when i heard the tinkling notes wafting upstairs just now, i suddenly felt about five years old. he still plays it exactly the same way. i never learnt how to play that song though. don't even know its name. maybe i will learn it after 19nov. counting time by heartbeats, it's impossible to know the position of the hands of the clock. i'd rather trace my life by the waxing and waning of the moon.
ever heard of 'the homecoming'? it's very familiar somehow. it's one of the new pieces i'm playing. but i don't know where it came from, what movie or even era. played 3 hours of piano today, counting lesson. and 2 mins of guitar. hahaha. still can't figure out the autumn in my heart thing, so i take out my father's guitar every now and then to practice. i'm going to learn how to play it! the whole song, not just a few bars. without damaging my nails. maybe a coat of enamel will protect them. hehh. it's not just that chris is very influential, i really am bothered by the state of my nails. you don't have to look at your face but you have to look at your nails.
and i just discovered my father can play that song! the one jean taught me.. only he can play almost the whole thing i think. it's called romance d'amour or smth. apparently it's super old. no wonder i thought i heard it somewhere in my past, even before watching autumn in my heart. and i'm gonna learn it! =D it's so beautiful. i love beautiful things. even though i'll forever look funny holding a guitar. i play songs for myself, not anyone else so i don't care.
it must've been love.
8:15 pm
xoxo
Friday, October 29
today was well - fun. =D the beautiful thing about humance is that you don't feel guilty studying it. while you two were pulling your hair out over amath i was admittedly peaceful sitting tucked up in bed with a cup of hot tea reading ss. hahaha. and jean, thanks for teaching me how to play about 7 bars of autumn in my heart. i am determined to learn to play the rest even if i never learn the names of the chords. it's the sort of song you want to play down by the beach with the stars twinkling above you and the waves crashing by you and The One next to you. =D and ohh a little campfire burning briskly, the light caught in your hair as the music wafts over you. sighhh. how come i never even wanted to go near a guitar til you played autumn in my heart? ukeles don't count, anyway i've forgotten how to even hold one. but you're right though, you both are. i'm not the sort of girl born with a guitar in her arms. i'm more piano-ish. i wish i had longer arms and fingers though.. this is from steps.. 'i know him so well'. i think the lyrics are pretty sad. *shrugs* love.. oh cruelty. =)
Nothing is so good it lasts eternally
Perfect situations must go wrong
But this has never yet prevented me
Wanting far too much for far too long
Looking back I could have played it differently
Won a few more moments, who can tell
Wasn't it good
Wasn't he fine
Isn't it madness
He can't be mine
But in the end he needs a little bit more than me
More security
He needs his fantasy and freedom
I know him so well
Didn't I know how it would go
If I knew from the start
Why am I falling apart
and the way she sings it.. sigh. it's like save the best for last, only with the unhappy ending. and my favourite part.. isn't it madness, he can't be mine. saddest words in the world. may i never say them! =D and oh.. i like the 'if i knew from the start why am i falling apart'. sometimes we fool ourselves into believing.. like i really believed in fairies.. i thought they lived in flowers.. with their pretty little blue wings.. and they'd whisper my ear as i slept.. did your mum think i was crazy just now? haha. of course i know better now. no such things as fairies. no such things as soulmates. but fate has a cruel sense of humour.
it must've been love.
9:25 pm
xoxo
Thursday, October 28
honestly, that was the
worst bio prac ever. and coming from the how-to-fail-bio-prac-miserably-guru, that's saying a lot. and it didnt help that i was the first in the last shift. i hate being first! you can't see anything! not that you're supposed to, but it feels nice to see everyone stumped too. instead of hearing a lot of water boiling behind your ear. thanks a lot, whoever sat behind me, debra is it? your water boiled most noisily, and i felt a lot of convection currents behind me. anyway. walked into the room, nearly spilling half the math stuff out of my folder, crumpling up my entry proof again.. and saw.. prawns. alamak. i have never ever seen a prawn in the bio lab before. have you?? they are darn expensive you know! i remember us discussing it before.. and we said it was too expensive.. but oh no it wasn't too expensive at all, it seems, because there were twenty-odd grey prawns sitting on the tables with pins stuck on the soft boards. then i saw the bunsen burner all set up with the beaker, and i thought hey we're boiling prawns! maybe test for what, protein? enzymes? what the heck? so for the 10 mins before we could open our papers i sat there glaring at the prawn. it was disgusting. and i admit that i pierced its uhh tail a bit viciously just now, but hey i was fed up! anyway it's dead. i wanted orange or lime to come out.. spent 1 year and 10 months learning (finally) how to draw and label oranges and limes.. and guess what.. 11 marks go to drawing a dratted prawn instead.. and since i get a headache looking through the magnifying glass.. i went ahead and drew the prawn and its tail without looking through the glass... and missed noticing that it had hair-like thingys on its tail! what the heck! hair? on prawns? what the bleep! but yeah. almost forgot to title the drawing but i scrawled on a few words before the invigilator said 'pens down'. traumatic. but the first question wasn't that bad. it's the prawn that gets my goat. prawn! damnit, prawn? we've never had animals in the lab. prawn. hey seeds are okay you know. fruits, flowers, blah de blah. but. prawn? you know how many legs that creature had? i just drew a few randomly, didnt want to count. i didnt know prawns had pincers either. damn. and scale-like shell. a real devil to draw. and mine had squished up eyes! it glared at me. and i glared at it. and i drove my pins into its tail with a vengeance. it uh kinda disintegrated after a few pokings. sighh. i'm sorry, my prawn. but i hated you so. prawn oh prawn why did you have to appear, this year of all years? the practs had all been so queer.. i mean.. starch for chem? how often does that happen? and moments plus dunno what forces for phys? together? hmmm.. and now.. prawns! drat, i really should study for the theory papers. i'm studying tomorrow.. *beams*
i want to go for the funfair tmr.. the last time we had a proper one was way back in sec1.. i remember sitting outside the classroom on the last day of school melting candles.. if you care to look (which we did the other day), you'll see wax stains outside 1e2. =D i
loved the funfair. sigh. it's so fun helping to run one. and now we're taking our o's and can't do it this time round. bleaugh. now i know how my seniors felt. bleaughh. may the juniors feel the same way, when it comes to their turn! hah! but i can't go. my sister says i'll get 30 pts if i do. like one afternoon'll make a difference. i generally sleep when i get home from school. but yes i know. theory papers start in days. staring at the calendar. the year has flown. i don't want it to. i want to start again. maybe i'd do things differently. then again, i don't think so. i've always been a last-minute studyer cos well i just don't rmb what i learnt weeks before. so.. no dif? but still.. it's been the sweetest 2 years. minus minor little tiffs. i thought lower sec was beautiful. and i didn't want to leave. but i guess we
really grew only later on. and now i don't want to leave. makes me wonder if i'll ever find more happiness than this, cos things are only improving. maybe i've always tended to look back with rose-tinted glasses. maybe i romanticise everything. but maybe, just maybe, i really really do love our wacky class? =D
-- you come to my senses.. every time i close my eyes.. i have no defences.. -- why you hate this song i don't understand.. i love it.. i'm in love with it.. who needs the world, when you've got songs? =) c'mon, we'll run this last lap together.
it must've been love.
7:04 pm
xoxo
Monday, October 25
I’ve heard it been said many a time
That sometimes you’ve got to go to the brink of death to come back.
Funny thing is, no one ever mentions the journey.
How sometimes deliverance doesn’t seem worth fighting for.
How sometimes you’d rather numb yourself to the pain
Than brace yourself against the demons within.
Whoever said it’s better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all
Must have been masochistic. Or maybe even wise.
But who am I to say, which forked road to take.
I don’t know what lies beyond the corner of each wall.
Each step takes you closer to either joy or regret.
Strange how we don’t know what we’re missing til it comes.
But stranger yet is how we don’t know what we’ve got –
Til we lose it. And it can’t be gotten back.
And yet here I stand,
Partway down the road’s journey we call life.
I don’t know where to turn next. Do you?
it must've been love.
10:26 pm
xoxo
the night before physics, and i don't know what to do. for one i lost all my pract papers and with about 5 piles of papers i don't know where to start looking for them. guess i'll let it pass and just listen to people rattling off model answers tomorrow. keeps raining these days. a reflection of what, i don't know. but rainy and cold weather gives me a headache. not as bad as the humid and hot kind though. school was good today. all the little kiddies were elsewhere, thank goodness! there's something beautiful about silence echoing around the classroom, without screams from the lowersec piercing our concentration. we kinda terrorised mrs seet. :P went to see her three times to kind of hurry her along with the marking. well to those of us who always thought she was kinda slow in marking, well she's got a pretty good reason. in my opinion anyway. i empathise with her! wahhaha. watched her mark our essays for once. i never realised how tough it is. this is not the reason. and she's got a sense of humour.. she actually laughed at a few of my lines! =) made me feel better about the whole business, somehow. they shifted the dratted bus stop. i can't stand it. moving the one opposite was bad enough, seeing i take bus to school now. but moving the one right outside? arghh. lazy people of the world, groan with me! but i guess it's all for the better good of the community, yadda yadda. a week to theory papers. i don't even know if i'm scared. i've always chosen the harder option anyway, in the crossroads of life. so i guess it'll come as no surprise to you that yes i want to try taking hist anyway. i'll read up after o's. guess fighting to survive is kinda exciting, so why go along the obvious and simple road yeah? i'm nuts larh. fight tooth and nail to ensure a place in triple.. two years later fight tooth and nail to poke a way into arts. with a subject i've forgotten exists. guess i'll just cross back if things don't work out. in the meantime i'll just study. =D easier said than done.
it must've been love.
9:12 pm
xoxo
Friday, October 22
i love this song!! from sens.. wish. gosh i can just imagine.. the heroine falling dramatically.. the hero reaching for her.. sunlight playing softly on the lazily swirling clouds of dust in the room.. sighh. i want to watch the show.. in a month! then i can sit there and cry buckets. i love this song. beautiful things have a strange effect on me. they give me physical pain. listening to this song wrenches my heart. because it's so -well- heartwrenchingly beautiful. the way it builds up, then soars and glides and falls. watching good dances makes chills run down my spine too. so yeah i wasn't exaggerating when i told vank watching her dance during rhym gym performances gives me goosebumps because it's so beautiful. and reading good essays. that really makes me happy! the whole time i was reading farrah's latest essay i felt like crying, it was so emotive. and i don't think anyone else felt that way. oh well.
the music plays on. dreaming my dream, i see you before my eyes. where are you now? it's about 3 minutes into the song. i can see your smile. are you even real? why don't you ever smile, except in my dreams? the melody lulls on. almost 4 minutes. it's built up, the perfect harmony that complements the melody so heartwrenchingly. my heart aches, physically. over what, a song? sheer madness. but it does. it's so perfect, i'm afraid it'll shatter if i so much as breathe. shatter and leave me with nothing but a dreamless silence. 5 minutes and 34 seconds. it's ended. i must stop dreaming now. a mere dream, caught from the stars above and spun by moonlight. i don't want it to come true. and the title - wish.
it must've been love.
10:55 pm
xoxo
hc open house was fine. jan's right though. our library shelves are nicer. hahaha yes details do matter. anyway i've more or less made up my mind. unless sa has something really spectacular to offer tmr. even so i really do hate travelling. even if i go to sa with all of you, we won't remain together.. you'll all take science and with everyone discouraging me from pursuing a science course, well yeah.
eh today was fun larh. yeah? =D okay except for the walking.. if you make me walk tmr i am really going to cuss okay! at least when you shop you're
happy! going to open houses makes me feel claustrophobic. then you wish you could stay in sec sch cos it's nice and cosy and you're not the youngest idiot around. bet you i'll never be able to find the washroom in jc. bleaugh, typical. then we slacked. bleaugh. really we should stop slacking. the o's have started!! but it was fun larh. eh jean, we can blackmail jp next time yeah? hahaha. ooh la la. how come i didn't know you were taping us? hahaha. i thought you were just reading msgs or smth. hehh. no wonder you were so quiet while we were acting like overturned turtles. ehh send me the song, i want to swoon. ally might want it too.. then we can all swoon! wahaha. i swear, when i hear it.. esp the the dramatic bit.. i really, honestly, see all my dreams come true. you know what i mean. music is too powerful. i could almost live on it.
it must've been love.
6:08 pm
xoxo
Thursday, October 21
let's see.. firstly i had to take bus to school.. which annoys me to no end.. whenever i have to cross 2 overhead bridges and walk i don't know how many metres first thing in the morning i feel tired the whole day. yupp. should've taken taxi but i'm too broke. then.. studied bio.. really back-to-content-knowledge now.. on the day of the chem pract.. smart right? haha. then.. as all of you already know.. we went off to eat lunch and got caught in the rain coming back. that was the smartest thing of all. we were dripping wet, uniform, hair, unmentionables, the whole lot. you may look amazed if you didn't see us run in screaming and laughing. or drying in the toilet. the school hand dryer really sucks. if you've ever tried drying anything under it you'll know. and one of the toilet bowls flushes by itself! this i had to discover standing alone in the toilet drying my uniform. that's when i decided the class fan would suffice. doing the toilet-ghost routine last year was a bad idea. then doing the shampoo ad in class yeah? hahaha. um. i guess they're all right.. we're too slack and happy to be taking o's. now i've got a bit of a sore throat and headache. note to self: will not play in the rain for the next month.
the pract itself was surprisingly not that disastrous. walking into the lab, i saw the bottle of starch solution and though that my worst nightmares were coming true. erh the reaction's not reversible right?? cos i got the answer. and i don't know how i got it, my hand was shaking so badly after my p accidentally shot into the pipette filler and some bubbles got into my pipette. traumatising. and then i was repeating the expt for the billionth time when jean was happily bustling around doing qa. wahh lao. i never want to sit near you for pract okay! nerve wrecking! *glowers* hope ms siti's answer is correct. cos mine's the same as hers. then qa.. aiyah nearly set fire to my exam paper. as usual. at least this time it's not my uniform yeah? i wore the oldest one to the pract for a reason. heh. they shouldn't let ppl like me near bunsen burners. this is another good reason why i think i'm crossing over to humance. no bunsen burners. and i got oxygen! for the first time in an exam! wahahhaha i'm still so happy over it! i really got oxygen! i stuffed the splint all the way in.. and some soot fell inside.. then.. it relit!! and i almost cheered. =D so i didn't have to fake it. heeee. but i had to fake it for the first 2 larh. so little oxygen produced.. it just glowed and glowed and i glowered at it. so. the end of chem pract. yay. i'm tired. i must study. the 'o levels have started. good luck all. my throat hurts.
it must've been love.
8:03 pm
xoxo
Tuesday, October 19
we all know what i mean larh. robe, gown, whatever, call it a piece of cloth, i couldn't care less, i just want to see all of us wearing it. haha. hmm english today was erhh.. yeah. english-y. took a look at the psychology pamphlet thing, and yeah i guess i do want to do psychology. maybe if i study hard enough now, get a good course next year that leads to the right uni and course, then yeah i can study that. if not, i'll revert back to my age-old dream of being a -uh- kindergarten school teacher. yep yep =D scare the hell outta all the little kiddies. eh i'm surprisingly quite nice to kids okay. haha. i'll think about the overseas thing after jc larh. kinda prefer not moving.. i like what i'm accustomed to.
you know, humans are such strange creatures. we want stability. when we get it, we long for something else, something more, as long as it's not what we have. i asked for a safety net. i got it. then i realised that the safety net was causing me to become complacent.. i didn't feel as motivated to study as all you people, because well there's a safety net. so now i've got a new goal. this one has no safety net. every time i feel myself wandering off into lala-land again.. i force myself to think of that sheet of paper i'm going to have to need.. *beams* this is really the sun. i've been aiming for the moon and falling among the stars, but now i want so much more. ambitious, maybe? but the worst case senario now is somewhere between the stars and the earth. i mustn't hit the ground. ambition never killed. i know where mine leads. and i would sacrifice myself. but not you. so.. support me yeah? =D whee!
chris eats everything. are you everything to her? hahahha chris don't kill i kinda like living.
it must've been love.
5:45 pm
xoxo
Sunday, October 17
i just thought of smth. if i can just push all my subs up by 5-10 marks (just to be safe, you never know the cut-off).. i can actually go somewhere.. be someone.. and i realised smth.. it really does matter to me. i just want to make me proud of myself for once. next to you people. to be able to stand tall, instead of shirking in the background. just be myself, and be okay with that. no need to be ashamed of me anymore. that's all i want, out of all of this. i want to come back and wear the robe. there, i've said it.
i want to come back and wear that robe-gown-whatever-it-is-thingy. with all of you. imagine that, eh. all 41 of us, with our stars on the wall. do you believe we can do it? i want to believe it, so badly. if i try hard enough, and wish on enough stars, maybe it'll all come true, yeah? i won't be seeing y'all til tues. i guess tomorrow will be a leeeetle bit lonesome? haha. do your english compre, people! we mustmustmust get our a1s. do you believe we can? i want to, so much so that it's a constant ache.
each of us are only angels with one wing, and we can only fly by embracing each other. or something like that. rule no 5 is my favourite: remember us like we will remember you. =D
it must've been love.
8:20 pm
xoxo
Saturday, October 16
can't seem to get back on track studying. just not motivated larh. looking at my report card. the first letters of almost all the rows are very nice. the numbers that follow aren't. anyway.. tonight i'll get back to work properly! yay!! i'm trying to be enthusiastic here.. and i realised smth. the teachers really do care for us. a lot. and that makes me so sad for them, cos they deserve smarter students than people like me. the sky's this strange hazy yellow now.. if i squint i can imagine it's a sepia picture.. and the class and guides pictures are so pretty! i
told you zhi min's pretty. and jean. dunno why all you people like to deny you look good. so funny. after o's i'll write down what i remember about everyone in class, according to index number, the way i did at the end of sec2. wonder where that list went. well this time i'll laminate it and paste it on my desk along with all the pictures! and when i'm 66, and it's kinda grimy with age, my grandkids will stare in wonder at how tootified we looked. =D
it must've been love.
6:48 pm
xoxo
Friday, October 15
funny, how we've been nothing but strangers
journeying down parallel roads in this highway of life.
at each crossroad our lives must change,
as we gladly welcome a new friend,
or perhaps try to avoid the strange unknown.
for who can walk away from such an experience
and imagine that she can emerge unscathed?
we met at a crossroad two years ago,
and now we're at another crossroad in our lives.
as we turn away, will you embrace me one last time,
that both of us may like angels fly?
will you take me by the hand,
and walk this last stretch with me?
the future's too uncertain, i cannot see beyond tomorrow.
whatever the next crossroad brings we must accept.
maybe there'll be a bend for one of us,
maybe a dense forest to traverse alone.
but even so, i'll always feel your hand in mine
because in our hearts we'll never let go.
i love you.
it must've been love.
9:59 pm
xoxo
Thursday, October 14
4e6 '04, i love you!!! OXOXOX thank you for all the memories. and thank you for the music. here's the poem i found. i honestly don't know who wrote it, but i love it anyway. it's for you. til we meet again. fourth of june, every year. i'll be there. waiting for you.
are we friends or are we not?
you told me once, but i forgot.
so tell me now and tell me true
so i can say ' i'm here for you'.
of all the friends i've ever met,
you're the one i won't forget.
and if i die before you do,
i'll go to heaven and wait for you.
i'll give the angels back their wings
and risk the loss of everything
just to prove our friendship's true,
to have a friend just like you.
i love you. i wish we didn't have to leave. but we must. don't turn and look at the door we're closing behind us. we'll walk on through it, maybe together, maybe not. no matter what, you'll be in my heart.
sigh farewell assembly was so bittersweet. bitter because well, it's faretheewell isn't it? and sweet.. because.. all the dedications were so sweet. mrs tan would be pleased to hear i took snapshots in my heart. the twinge of my heart as i sat there clutching eunice's hand, reading the slides. mr ng's five rules. i love the fifth the best: remember us like we will remember you. for who can't help remembering our teachers? all the crazy picture taking. more to come, tomorrow. i never want to let go of this, let go of you. i know we're growing up, moving on, but it's so hard, with the door threatening to close. one more month, and all this will end. the stress. everything. gone, with the wind. but unlike the wind, my love for you, my beloved class, will
not fly. we'll meet again. 4th of june. every year. i promise. i'll be right there, waiting for you. maybe i was harsh last year, tough on you. okay not maybe. i know i was. i had such high expectations of you. maybe too high? i just wanted us to soar above the clouds, be the very best that we could be. lofty dreams, maybe, but we had the spirit, still have it. we must never lose it. maybe i pushed you too hard. but it wasn't easy being a monitress you know. i never felt free-er when i quit. but i'm glad for last year. it helped mould me, prepare me for what i have to face now. thank you for letting me serve you. it was my pleasure. truly. *blows you an air-kiss* catch it, it's yours.
it must've been love.
5:47 pm
xoxo
Monday, October 11
maybe things have really changed these past 2 years. i don't feel like i'm much different, but i guess i have to be. dee, remember that time i took the personality disorders test and turned out high and very high for everything?? well i took it again just now. guess what. everything's low or moderate now. i say, Thank God people grow up! can you just imagine how horrible i was in sec2?? maybe that's how come i wrote so much. chunks of poetry. now i don't really bother. stories.. yeah nothing much there either. i'm not so intense anymore. that's good, yeah? unless you actually liked being around this fire-water-ice creature who glared at the class to make them shutup. maybe in 2 years' time i'll actually be normal. you know, calm and collected, and people won't whisper that i'm fierce..(!!) and less excitable. and maybe i'll get less of a kick out of ignoring joankang and teasing chris.
4 more days. then we'll never sit this way again in class. never look out the window to see the cleaner shuffling past dragging his broom. never screech over some tiny spider crawling over towards us. ally's right i guess. why is 'graduation' synonymous with 'goodbye'? maybe because, that's what it is. it's goodbye, but we'll meet again. someday. i pray. guess some will become doctors, then when i fall and fracture my spine i'll know i'm in great hands.. or maybe not.. hahaha. or.. lawyers. then when i knock down some idiot road hog, one of you can help me fight my case.. you don't want to be friends with a criminal right.. hahaha. oh crappy how crappy.
here i add ego to the crap. =D our class is a diamond. we rock, we're worth a lot, and we've got great bonds! =D shine for God. i love you. *blows kisses to everybody and anybody as long as you agree we rock the world please don't let go we'll hold on together*
it must've been love.
8:31 pm
xoxo
Sunday, October 10
ally: i know. exactly exactly exactly. i hate having to make new friends. cos i'm too shy to smile at others first. bah.
eh my sis wants me to take humance, but then what have i been doing these past two years? bit confused. to do humance i can't go to sa. apparently the humance teachers there aren't that good. guess i'll go elsewhere. maybe we'll meet again, maybe we wont. but somehow i'm ready to leave school now in a way i wasn't a week ago. when you compare us to the lower sec and etc, yeah, it's time we moved on. even if it means leaving this behind. i'm glad the others hated us. =D no, i'm not masochistic. it just brought us together in this oh-so wonderful way yes? maybe we'll meet in the u? anyway, come what may, i expect invitations to your weddings at least! i don't expect you to name your kids after me larh. my name's not nice. but maybe our kids will grow up together and fall in love and why is this so korean drama? hmmm. haha. kae nygh eng paper2 calls. cya, don't die mugging, it's not worth it.
and this is from chris's book. walk a mile in my shoes. get far away from me, but i want my shoes back! haha. i prefer my modified version? mizpah, all. and jean: stop taking things at a literal level please. it drives me nuts. about as nuts as my songs drive you. because. words mean so much more than that. watchtower. oh it kills me. no, no watchtower. look beyond that! or at least stop telling me that. i know, i checked it out already, but i mean it figuratively. hah! haha.
it must've been love.
4:17 pm
xoxo
Saturday, October 9
if i lose my temper, i'm sorry. if i walk away abruptly, i'm sorry. if i seem in any way stranger than usual, i'm also sorry. i just don't want to hurt anyone anymore. jean and chris, guess you know now why i was acting so strangely yesterday. it's because of that paper. and what it meant to us all. i just didn't expect.. well never assume. it makes an ass out of u and me. well it made an ass out of me more than you. i'm sorry. i just got scolded by my mum. misunderstandings are so bothersome i just want to walk out and come back when i can actually answer in a civl manner. i don't think i want to do social work anymore. with my kind of temperament, i'd just kill everybody as chris always says. i'll probably take mrs wong's advice and think about psychology. how did my bio teacher even know about my lit? and why did she ask me about shakespear out of the blue? i was kinda stunned, but at least i could answer cos i think about shakespear a lot. but psychology. that would mean i have to do a humance, no? taking triple seems like such a mistake.. until i think of our class, and i realise everything's been worth it. the tears, the sweat, the blood. it's worth even my future. even if i end up doing smth science-y, if the jc won't let me cross fac or do arts. it'll all have been worth it. because of you. i don't mind. this is one thing i don't regret. one of the few these past two years. you know smth? i was scared that day i walked into the classroom 2 years ago. i was afraid because all the prefects (that's half my friends) were at orientation and it was just gen and bev and me. out of our group i mean. and what with my kinda uhh not so good reputation in the level(being outspoken is not an asset when you are an intellectual snob which i'm not now anyway.) i wasn't sure if the others would accept me. hah. same fears now for jc. i'll cross that river when i get to it. even if i remain ostracised (i really can't think of a reason now, no one will know me) i guess i can think back to these happy days and survive. til we meet in uni or smth. will we? i don't really want to leave but it's time to go. we've learnt all we could learn, we must move on. maybe together, maybe not. but no one can ever replace you. they'll just be there, in a different way.
i don't want to be just another face and name in your yearbook. will you remember? cos i will. your names are engraved in gold in my heart.. white gold. we'll sing auld lang syne once again soon. and if you see tears.. i'm not crying, my eyes are leaking, that's all. i love you all.
it must've been love.
9:53 pm
xoxo
Thursday, October 7
the ball is in my court. where i go from here depends on how much discipline i have. God can change things anytime he wants, but we mere mortals have got to do the work. i'm not tired anymore! =D and i shall run off and do my ss hwk in about 15 mins. =D see i'm practicing discipline. playing with fire was the most fun thing i ever did in my life. but if i don't want my life to end, i've got to stop playing. cos fire can hurt. you can put your hand through it and come out unscathed, but stay too long too near, and you can kiss your skin goodbye. and i don't fancy having my thigh skin grafted unto my hand if you get what i mean. hah! word games. you may understand. byebye.
it must've been love.
5:12 pm
xoxo
Wednesday, October 6
*sniffle* thank you ally. nice to know i'm not alone. feels like i am, and it's of my own doing. me and my so-called lethal tongue. well it's less lethal than it was 3 years ago anyway. i know i should be grateful i can even go to sa. maybe i'm just being ungrateful as usual, and unappreciative. but in all honesty, i'm considering a certain backdoor. i should think you know what i mean. all of you. kinda obvious right? the only thing that's stopping me is the knowledge of what people will say. you know, bitch about me and all, blah de blah. shall reconsider when it's time to apply. ally i believe you, you know that? i hate it when people don't believe me. you just want to pound your reasoning into their heads. don't pound mine. i believe you. but you know what? i also believe you're capable of so much more. so keep praying, and your dreams will come true.
today was our last chapel. my gosh it was hilarious... couldn't stop laughing at them. i wonder if they realise exactly how amused the seniors were. oh well, juniors. blah. haha. they'll grow up someday. these two weeks are going to be bittersweet. well, 7 days. all these 'last' things. last time we'll walk through those doors, and slide across the sheeni-powedered floor. last time we'll get to rest our heads on the table before school. sit in little circles giggling. how come we don't act like we're stressed? no wonder the teachers want to strangle us. the truth is, we are. we just like to relax sometimes. last time we'll get to taste canteen food. we'll miss the diluted curry. there's something beautiful about leaving with dignity. bittersweet. we must must must take loads of pictures! and when i'm old and wobbly-kneed (oh wait i already am. jean don't push me in the morning anymore, kae, unless you like seeing me disintegrate), i'm going to take out those faded, fingerprint-smudged kodak moments and show them to my grandkids. by then the bitterness would have faded too, leaving only the sweetness. no matter what i get for o's. disappointment cannot mar the rose-tinted memory i hold of our class. i've already more or less forgotten what it's like to lash out in fury at the class for being naughty, ie gotten me into trouble. haha. was i really so strict? no wait, don't answer that question. these last days.. i hope nothing spoils them..
checked my cca record. thank heavens she made the changes! i almost exploded when i saw the paper for the first time. like thanks a lot for missing out half the stuff i did! none of my badges, monitress etc. so now i've got 7 distns plus cca if i remember my eng oral marks correctly. i'm going to change all those 2s to 1s. i must. my health's going already. i know it's impt, but i've sacrificed everything already, i can't stop halfway. i'll give it up. back on medication. i don't care what it takes, i must keep awake. about my semi fainting spells, don't worry. medication should help. we'll see.
it must've been love.
8:08 pm
xoxo
Tuesday, October 5
they told us about moderation today. i've accepted the fact that nobody believes in me. thanks a lot, teachers. i'm fine with it, really. no sarcasm dripping from my unheard voice. you don't think i'm hardworking, okay, maybe it's true. you don't think i've got the potential, okay, maybe it's true. but guess what. i don't care what others think. i'm just going to put this behind me and do my best. i know you didn't say so explicitly, but really, i can read between the lines all right?even though it hurts. am i really that stupid, that you don't want to give me the chance? okay, fine, it doesn't really matter. i'll join the legions of girls applying for sa. actually it hurts. when i joke about not wanting to wake up early, i'm being frivalous. it hurts. it's like reliving sec2 again. i think you realise it, don't you. i can't stop myself from blurting out everything. i'm sorry. i don't know why i said the things i did. i just blurted out what i felt. and mostly it isn't anything good. i'm sorry, i'll keep quiet next time. i was just so arghh frustrated? to have come so close and yet not touch the goal. damn. i'm learning that the stars aren't very nice to fall on when your friends are prancing about on the moon. how come it's always me, falling among the stars? how come you never fall? or is it that i never notice when you fall. why am i even lashing out at you? it's not your fault my brain didn't make it through the wash. i only feel alive when i dream at night. because in my dreams everything's all right. everyone's happy, i don't make mistakes, and sunlight is beautiful not annoying. tell me what's the purpose behind this. we're like that fish in today's story. it's okay that you didn't see the story in the same way. i'm fine with it. in fact, it helped me realise something important. i can survive alone. i used to think i'd die without my friends. but actually, maybe not. none of you ever truly see things the same way as i do. i've never met anyone who truly understands how i feel about things. you should have seen your own face when i asked if you agreed that the fish represented alex. the shock was laughable. that was when i realised that we are so different. too different? i don't know, maybe it doesn't matter. but now i know what it is i've been missing. someone to understand. completely, without explanation. and i don't know anyone like that. maybe i never will. not like it matters. people are only human. there will always be hurt. i think i'm learning to be immune to it. good, now you can say i'm coldblooded for real. because coldblooded creatures don't need to fly, and i never will.
it must've been love.
8:15 pm
xoxo
Monday, October 4
so tired again. well chris and i swam today. :) so fun. haha. well, we swam a bit and played a bit then went to kap to study. but underneath everything runs this little current of distress. beneath every happy moment, there's this tiny seed of self-doubt. i will never walk on water, because i doubt myself and my abilities. the song running through my head. words and beat, harmony blending with melody. 'i only feel alive when i dream at night'.. i'm counting down til the day we semi-graduate. and i'm not looking forward to it. i might even miss the yucky canteen food! miss gazing out of the windows, miss the stinky toilets i'm apparently having affairs with. miss gliding over the classroom floor when i'm happy, and curling up into a ball under my table when i'm sad. miss my friends. miss hugging you. miss putting my chin on your shoulders, miss sleeping on your arms, or on each others' tummies in the library. yet you know i'll never say this to your face. i'll just end up bawling. i've teared twice already today, don't push it. i hope the farewell assembly's good. to last year's graduating class: i'm very sorry i encouraged my class to be so very enthusiastic last year. i uh wasn't thinking straight. i assure you i understand completely if you wanted to bash up those chirpy sec3s enjoying themselves while waves of nostalgia flooded over you. i remember the way we linked arms. and sang. we said we'd just cry nonstop when it came to our turn. well darlin's we've got less than 2 weeks. i'm bringing a tissue box.
no news about moderation meeting. and guess what, i don't care. sa then sa larh. there are more impt things to bother about, studies aren't everything. they're a big part, but they aren't life. love is, though. 'cos i only feel alive when i dream at night..'
it must've been love.
9:30 pm
xoxo
Sunday, October 3
it's that little place that matters the most, did you know? raindrops falling slowly, irridescent drops against the sky. sunlight flashing, warming, knowing. birds that swoop and soar and glide endlessly on outstretched wings. they reach the planes of the skies that we only dream of. i've seen you in the reflection of heaven. i see you in the clear surface of the pond, in the waves of icecubes clinking in glasses of water. strange, that i see you in water, not in the freedom of the birds. you cannot grant me freedom, no one can. i will never be free from this earth as long as i live, and maybe i'll accept it someday. i cannot be bound to another soul. i see you in the rapid changes of water. how little energy it takes for water to change states. how quickly it vapourises, and disappears without a trace. was it ever there? no one knows, not a single hint of memory or rememberance. you are evaporating quickly away from my mind, that little place. i won't say heart. i have no heart. or so i must tell myself. quickly, sunlight, evaporate the droplets that remain, let them turn into a vapour that vanishes into thin air. and then evaporate my falling tears. i must be free. take the shackles off my feet, Lord. take them off and i will dance for you. in that little place i call my mind, i know what's wrong. take it all away, it's all wrong, i know it is, please set me free.. i won't hate. i merely despise myself. go, go away. leave my mind. something haunts me still. when will it go? it must it must oh purge it from me. i'm ranting. leave, leave me alone.
reading your story. it makes me want to cry. it's very well paced though. sometimes i hate myself. i'd be reading something horribly touching, and part of my brain will be analysing the technique. spoils it somehow. all this analysis. why does it have to hurt? i don't know. everyone's hurting everyone. it's not just me, it's not just you. every word, like a daggar. i cannot breathe. slicing through the air, like a knife through butter. oh very well paced. i cannot breathe. i cannot believe this is life. it's not, it's not! why is existence masquerading as life then? so what if i rant. i cannot keep silent. who would i say this to? no one. i'm saying this to me. 'cos i only feel alive when i dream at night'.. marc anthony, when i dream at night. true for me. not surprising. i live for dreams. i'm sad for you. okay let's practice lit. feeling: sadness. evidence: you are trapped. within yourself. and you will never be free. there's more than one 'you'. so many different 'you's. and i don't just mean in a schizo way. i only feel alive when i dream at night. i only feel alive..
it must've been love.
8:46 pm
xoxo
ohh i love this song. 'you come to my senses.. every time i close my eyes.. i have no defences..' argh argh argh talk about swoony! my sister hates 'my baby you' now. cos i uh play it 24/7 even when i'm doing math papers in class. how can she hate it, she's not even around me half the time. my friends have more excuse to hate it. but it's so swoony i don't want it ever to end thus the repeat mode. =D only i can't find it to download. sigh. shall i wait another 4 months before it plays again on radio? well got my results back. let's just say i'm so damned suay. 3 subs that just need one more mark to jump a grade, and guess what.. they aren't giving me those marks. wish moderation affected me more. it's depressing to know other people can reduce their L1R5 by 2 or more. and if you say i don't need any reduction, i'll smack your face in, and i mean it. and if you think i'm being violent and oversensitive, wait til you hear what the others got. what's the point of having an average of a distinction? it's worth nothing. nothing, you hear me, nothing. but since i promised God i'd try to be content, i'll shaddup about my marks now and move on. if i end up in sa, with my unmoderated marks *grr* so be it. at least it's not cj or mi or smth. and at least i don't have to work at pizza hut now. gonna hit the books in a few minutes. someone please send me the song, pretty pretty please, it'll make me so happy and then i'll quit snapping at everyone who wants to know my L1R5.
it must've been love.
8:06 pm
xoxo
